Liz Vigar – Counsellor | Counselling in Reading, Berkshire

– Irvin Yalom: The Gift of Therapy

I have always loved this quote. I think it captures something tactile and embodied that happens in the therapeutic relationship. The therapist’s openness, permeability and willingness to be affected creates the conditions in which a person can risk change, providing they are ready and able to use this.

In our personal relationships, the same principle applies. The difference here is that there isn’t the same frame or containment that exists in therapy so the impact is different.

When we allow ourselves deep connection and attachment to others, we experience both deep security and deep vulnerability. For some who have experienced unpredictability in relationships, loss, or rejection, the risk feels very much heightened. So much so that, in some cases, we may sabotage relationships by withdrawing and pushing away the attachment that we so long for and to those around us it can feel very contradictory – with the confusing experience of being pushed and pulled in different directions. We don’t mean to, but vulnerability and the fear of loss, rejection or even harm can feel too much.

To love deeply almost always involves some degree of pain and loss, but in order to live a fulfilling life, we must inevitably experience both. Healthy connection and vulnerability give relationships depth, but they require both openness and separateness – we must be open to be changed by others – but still grounded enough to remain ourselves within that connection. So we can be affected without becoming absorbed.

If we are enmeshed rather than interconnected, we might experience distress over time – if our boundaries are blurred, we can get pulled off balance and lose clarity. This can create all sorts of difficulties in relationships including co-dependency, loss of our own identity and compromise of boundaries.

Of course all of this is easier said than done! Relationships are messy and we can all tip either side of the perfect balance – sometimes in a very short space of time! And it is easy enough for someone else to observe and point out to us, but very much more difficult when we are caught up in it.

But the very fact that keeping that balance isn’t easy is what keeps it real. If it were effortless, I would question whether we have really risked very much in the encounter in the first place.