Liz Vigar – Counsellor | Counselling in Reading, Berkshire

― Donald Woods Winnicott

Sounds ominous doesn’t it? This is not about somehow predicting the future but, rather, interpreting the past. I often come back to this quote in my work – not just with clients but in my own personal journey. It is based on the theory that unresolved hurts, fears, traumas from our past, interfere with how we see the world now and others in it – sometimes triggering reactions reflecting the original traumatic experience.

Take, for example, fear of abandonment. This can manifest in various different ways. Perhaps you feel a constant need for reassurance or control – maybe you are hypervigilant to others’ reactions and emotions – always looking out for something to suggest there is an imminent threat of abandonment or rejection. Do you neglect your own needs for the preference of others – fearing conflict? Maybe you push people away in order to preempt being hurt. These are just some of the ways that fear of abandonment can surface but there are many more.

Through utilising these defences, you somehow, subconsciously think that you are avoiding future hurt and pain but, in reality, the hurt, pain and even terror, can be located in the past. Sometimes we develop unhealthy attachment patterns stemming from some of our most earliest life experiences. This doesn’t just have to mean abandonment in its entirety, but can also mean emotional absence or neglect. If someone for whom you were relying upon to keep you safe was emotionally preoccupied and too caught up with their own predicament and emotional distress, this can create anxiety and fear, having a profound impact later in life.

Abandonment is just one example but there are many different manifestations of trauma which are dependent on individual experiences.

The good news is that these patterns, although deep rooted, do not have to control our present and future. With time, self awareness and appropriate support, it is possible for these experiences to no longer define us but rather be just part of our experience. This all takes time, patience and a willingness to be both curious and courageous – trusting in the potential for deep healing and increasing contentment in the present.